so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
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why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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