he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I did not marry a roomba.
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