I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
