i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
