Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
