ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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