I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
