I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
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I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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