I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize