She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
