I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
