So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize