everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
there is glitter all over my balls
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