so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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