so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
