My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
