I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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