There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
