Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
