great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
