I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
