i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
