Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
