I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
