I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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