3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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