Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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