Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Welp...herpes.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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