Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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