i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
