Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm both gender and math confused
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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