I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
