How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
