I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
