so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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