Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
