I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
