I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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