I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So many bounce houses so little time
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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