I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
