I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize