how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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