I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
