piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
