i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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