8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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