I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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