Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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