There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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