Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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