Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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