Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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