LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
