Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
