I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
