hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
