I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
