I have demons in me.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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