I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
