Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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