im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
